Dear Dish-It,
My best friend tells her other friend absolutely everything. And if she doesn’t tell her my secrets outright, she gives her enough hints to figure it out. Her friend, Emily, then blabs it to everyone else. I’m so mad and I’ve told my BFF to stop but she never listens! I really don’t trust her. At one point she liked my crush at the same time I did and now, even though she says she’s over it, she always wants me to conference him in to our conversations and then talks to him the whole time – I don’t get in a word! She still talks to him on Myspace, too, and she wants me to tell her everything he says to me and let her read every text he sends. I don’t mind sharing secrets with my BFF as long as I know she’s not going to tell anyone else. I don’t know what to do!
Not so friendly friends
Dear NSFF,
It seems to me that trust has been damaged it can spell doom for a friendship and it can be very hard, if not impossible, to earn back.
Whether or not trust, you also have a job to do. So how do you move past a major burn and put things back on track? It’s hard but it can be done and these three pointers can help.
Let your anger out 5b192k
In a quest to save a relationship people who have been hurt often bend over backwards to please their betrayer. Why? Because when we have been betrayed or burned the person who hurts us has sent a clear message that on some level we don’t matter to them as much as they matter to us. In a rebound state of fear of loss this often translates in to the hurt party trying to earn back the other person’s good opinion. It is a knee-jerk reaction and always ends in resentment. The best way to start the healing process is to acknowledge that there has been pain, betrayal and a loss of trust. Once the cards are on the table everybody will have a clearer picture of what they need to do to set things right.
Resolve to let it out and then let it go 523h3u
Once you let your feelings out you need to let the incident go. This does not mean blind forgiveness, but there is an element of forgiveness involved in this step. If the person who hurt you apologizes and you accept then you need to never rehash the incident. Doing so will only bring back your anger and keep you in emotional limbo. Don’t bring it up as a weapon. Don’t hold it over the other person every time you feel wronged in the future. Acknowledge that it happened, make your feelings and expectations known, and then stop focusing on what damaged the trust and set your sights on rebuilding. You’re only human, you may slip up and throw the incident in the face of your betrayer and if you do don’t beat yourself up over it, apologize and move on. While this step may seem like letting the person who hurt you get off easy in reality you are making things easier on your self by allowing yourself to be hurt and moving past it.
Know that things can never go back to the way they once were and keep your eyes wide open to future betrayals. 653i50
The sad reality is that once trust a second chance just know that you will be more sensitive to the prospect of another betrayal and forgive yourself if doubt seeps in without real reason.
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